First Day

I start a new job tomorrow and I am really excited but also apprehensive. Those first day nerves kick in and who knows what will happen. Just have to hope for the best and just start digging in and never stopping.

drunk thoughts

I have decided that your ex does not make good friends. Even if she moves on and you don't and treat her with kid gloves she will treat you like your still in a relationship together. Basically like shit. My ex wants to be friends but she will overly criticize me when I am doing her favors. Taking shit out on you because she thinks that she can. Lately I have been stressed because I have to study for a new job and everything is weighing down on me. Today everything came to a head. I started to depend on her to be free tonight and she wasn't b/c she is hanging out with her new bf all fucking night even though she told me she would hang out. This and the overly critical attitude she had the last time we hung out, has convinced me that she isn't a good friend. I don't expect my friends usually to be there for me all the time I call but I do expect them to hold me in the same regard that I do them. If they were having a problem I would answer within reason. I don't care if I am tired, sleeping or stressed out with my own problems, I would still answer. This is the only requirement I have for my friends. If one of us is in need would the other help in any way possible without causing undo stress upon the other. I already have a problem dealing with stress and she knows that but she still insists on using me as a punching bag for her problems. I thought I could handle it but I really can't. I hate her when she does this to me but she really don't care. Therefore our friendship is now over.

ex-g/fs suck

My ex and I are trying to be friends. That means trying to be honest with each other which is not good emotionally with either it seems. Her best advice to me came tonight was with writing my thoughts and venting to try and let those emotions out and help me get over them. So here it goes. My ex when I first met her was unhappy with her life and I kept telling her that she needed to learn to be happy with herself before she opened up to anyone else. I tried to make her feel better about herself and build her self-esteem. What happened was when I opened up to her like that I started to lose myself. I slowly built my happiness around being with her and her alone. Then I started to resent her for growing emotionally. I started to treat her like crap in public and put her down because of this jealousy. I thought that she would always be that broken girl who needed me around to be happy. I have been thinking about how I treated her and how I put her down in front of her friends and I hate myself for it. After I started acting like this she started to treat me like a emotional punching bag. I now understand why this happened. I understand why we would never work together but there is a part of me that still wants to be with her. She has now moved on and that also hurts because I still think I need to sort out my feeling for her. Now as of today, fear has grown in my mind and I am scared of opening up to another the same way. My personality won't let me go halfway with anyone. You either get all of me or none and that is not good if you ever want to find anyone to share your happiness with. The scare is based on how I treated my ex. I feel like no person should ever be treated that way. My ex says that you may get broken many times in your life before you find someone that will put up with your bullshit. Those of you who have found happiness in your life are the lucky ones, I have always thought that everyone deserves the best of life but I don't think I do. I need to find a way to change myself and not hurt anyone with opening up myself. I am trying to grow as a person but it is hard and I need to be willing to do so. The fear comes from the feeling that I will never be able to change for the better. This is my first post and I hope that writing will help alleviate my feelings of self-doubt. Thank you if you read this and thank you for advice if you give any. I will probably post once a week or whenever I feel a strong emotion.